Tonight I am totally $h*tt*ng myself about this whole new thing I’m about to embark on.
I am trying so hard to silence the little nagging voice that is whispering “what DO you think you’re doing?! You’re never going to do this! We’ve already established you’re no good at maths, or science. I thought the subject was closed – what makes you think now that you can stick it out and make it to the end??? You cocky little brat”; ugh – he really is quite mean isn’t he… Oh but waaaay too obvious. Think I’m going to fall for those lies Satan?!? LOL.
After the excitement of the past few days, I have been floored by a migraine for the past 6 hours. No big deal, except I don’t do pain…..
I am not surprised.
If nothing else this has got to be one big exercise in renouncing the lies, the accusations, the condemnations that are being drip-fed into my soul, and have been for more than 30 years.
I am plagued with self-doubt, and real fear. I genuinely don’t know if I’m going to be able to achieve what I want to achieve over the next 5 or 6 years. For me it’s a huge undertaking….. A massive challenge. Enormous. Unparalleled. Bigger and harder than anything I’ve ever done before. Well apart from quite a few things actually.
*hang on just a sec while I have a little chat with myself at this point*
It’s ok to acknowledge that is how I’m thinking and feeling.
What’s not ok, however, is for me to give those thoughts and feelings permission to take hold or have any power over me.
So if you find me randomly speaking out loud to myself, saying things like “I can DO this! I’m going to do it, and sod anyone who tries to put me off or who laughs at me, I want to do this; it’s definitely right, God is in this. And if he is for me who can be against me? He is strong in me. I will overcome. I’m SOOO going to do this“…
…just bear with me will you…?